How to speak about cocaine
The conversation matters more than the script.
Most families wait too long because they don't know how to start. This guide walks you through it — step by step. Click each stage.
Before you say anything
Timing, mindset, and what to have ready.
Set yourself up
- Pick a quiet, private moment — neither of you rushed or tired
- Know what you've noticed. Write it down if it helps
- Decide on one small thing you want to come out of it — not a solution, just a next step
- Tell one trusted person what you're about to do
Don't
- Go in drunk, exhausted, or mid-argument
- Do it in front of others
- Search their things first — trust collapses fast
How to open
Three ready-made opening lines you can use tonight.
“I've noticed a few changes lately and I don't want to make assumptions, but I am a bit worried. Can we talk?”
“I'm not asking you to tell me everything. I just want you to know I've noticed, I'm not angry, and I'm here when you want to talk.”
“I don't know exactly what's going on for you, but I love you and I'd rather we figure this out together than me find out the hard way.”
Lead with what you've noticed — not what you've decided. Use "I" statements: "I've been worried" not "You've been..."
During the conversation
Listen more than you speak. Here's how.
What works
- Listen more than you speak — pauses are not your enemy
- Separate the behaviour from the person: cocaine isn't who they are
- Make clear the door stays open, whatever they say today
- Aim for connection, not confession
What shuts it down
- Catastrophising — "you're throwing your life away"
- Moralising — they've heard it, it hasn't worked
- Ultimatums you can't or won't enforce
- Expecting them to admit everything on day one
If they shut down
It doesn't mean it failed. Here's what to do.
Denial, anger, or silence doesn't mean the conversation failed — it means they heard you. The first conversation plants the seed. The second one matters more.
Then leave it. Don't push. Don't follow up the same day. Come back to it in a few days — calmly, briefly, with the same warmth. Consistency is what builds trust.
After the conversation
The next 48 hours matter. Here's the play.
If it went well
- Follow through on whatever you agreed — even if it was small
- Don't over-talk it. Let the conversation breathe
- If they agreed to get help, offer to make the call together
- Call us: 0141 887 0880
If it didn't
- You still did the right thing. The door is now open
- Keep noticing. Keep being present. Don't withdraw
- Consider calling us yourself — you don't need their permission
- Read our Schema section to understand the pattern